Monday, September 17, 2007

Are you confused?

Do you find yourself sitting on the sofa looking like an idiot because you can't figure out what you're reading? Or can't even remember where your book is? Or your laptop seems to have mysteriously disappeared into your pants?

The Crumpet Strumpets can help.

What, exactly are you reading or writing? Here's a simple quiz to determine if your book is (a) a traditional regency, (b) a regency-set historical, (c) an erotic historical, or (d) historical erotica.

The heroine meets a gentleman she is attracted to. She:
a. Asks to be introduced to him by the patronesses of Almacks
b. Invites him to her bedchamber
c. Invites him and his three friends to her bedchamber
d. Invites him and his regiment to her bedchamber

The hero is wearing:

a. Immaculately polished Hessians, and a finely tailored coat and breeches
b. Boots, breeches and a historically inaccurate shirt unbuttoned all the way down
c. Not much, a sneer, oil, and a whip
d. Tattoos, scars, piercings, a sneer, oil, and an even bigger whip

The heroine is wearing:
a. Bonnet, gown, shawl, reticule
b. Gown, barely, and lots of hair
c. A little wisp of something from Victoria's Secret and lots of hair
d. Tattoos, scars, piercings, a sneer, a really, really big whip, and a shaved head

The secondary characters include:
a. Comic servants and saintly family
b. Comic servants and tiresome family
c. Sex-obsessed companions who may or may not be human
d. Underlings you never meet but someone has to get in the lube and leather supplies

Your hero likes to spend long hours in the library:
a. Reading poetry
b. Decoding secret documents
c. Twisting himself into a pretzel for future activities, based on an ancient tome of erotic practices
d. Oiling the rack and himself

Your heroine likes to:
a. Embroider, play pianoforte, visit the poor
b. Tame stallions, write novels, etc.
c. Practice twisting herself into a pretzel etc.
d. What? Time to do anything else? I don't think so

What else can you think of to help us out?

Mega contest at the Riskies, celebrating the blog's second anniversary, with prizes and naked men. Sort of. But come and visit,


Kate Pearce said...

okay, that was absolutely flipping hilarious! I'm going to have to think up some more questions tonight :)

Madelynne Ellis said...

Hilarious, but I'm not sure what it says about my writing having scored 2 a's, 2 b's, and 2 c's, and I'd describe what I write as historical erotica!

Eva Gale said...

Thank you for making me laugh like that so early in the morning. It can't be a bad day, now. *g*

Pam Rosenthal said...

Re Jeremy Northam looking silly, I always remember the conviction with which he delivered his Gosford Park line, something like "I'm paid to play them," meaning the Brit aristocracy.

Kate Pearce said...

How does the heroine react when the hero arrives bearing an unexpected surprise?

a) "My apologies, sir, I can't accept any gift from a man I'm not married to."

b) She allowed her lowered glance to drift across the tight front of his breeches and shivered at the glorious sight before her eyes.

c) "my sir" she brushed her hand against his aroused c**k, "what an enormous...package."

d) she licked her lips as he slowly unbuttoned his breeches and knelt in a rush of petticoats to cover him with her mouth.

best I can do...need tea

janegeorge said...

What function does your heroine's corset serve?

A) Provides correct posture and ladylike bearing.

B)The busk saves her life from an inconvenient bullet, knife, or arrow.

C)Long, drawn out unlacings and ensuing string games.

D) Auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Sharon Page said...

Thanks for the much needed opportunity to howl with laughter, Jane. I really, really want to write a book that features both the a's and the d's!

Kate and Jane George--your additions are hilarious.

Jane Lockwood said...

Kate and Jane, brilliant!
I love the "rush of petticoats"--may I borrow that?
Pam, as you know, I do not understand why Jeremy Northam is such an object of desire, although he had some very nice dogs in Emma.

Georgie Lee said...

Great survey!